Nano Panic

Topical tat: A Royal Wedding Special

2010-11-27T19:26:00.006Z

Everybody hates a tourist...

2010-08-22T18:50:00.005+01:00

If Channel 4 were trying to reflect the spirit of V Festival in their coverage, they've probably done a pretty good job.

After all, we are talking about the festival where the former singer of the Happy Mondays was heckled by angry fans who wanted to see Peter Andre.

During the highlights show we watched, we witnessed a leggy young presenter who looked like an explosion in Camden market asking Kelly Jones if the stereophonics would be playing any new songs or just their "backlog." Plus a five minute interview with Ellie Goulding where she said LITERALLY NOTHING, and a small army of young presenters deperate to be Simon Amstell but not nearly clever enough to pull it off.

This has been our particular lowlight so far though. Don't be fooled, readers. This wasn't part of Scouting For Girls' set. Channel 4 actively commissioned them to play it.

We could fill a whole blog with everything that's going on here. The apparent failure to understand what the song's about, the bloated singer looking like a TV Chef who keeps burning himself... and, of course, that beanie hat.

"Christ on a bike."

Panic over...

2010-08-04T00:11:00.010+01:00

Nano Panic is back for good. The prolonged absence was due to the roflcoper being "offline." We should have written an autooutofoffice reply. But couldn't be bothered. Rest assured, a nice solid BT Homehub has now been installed.

Here's 15 things that we've learnt since we've been away:

1. If you're trying to win an election that you're almost certain to lose, the man sat next to you is probably writing a book about it.

2. The least convincing straight man in pop, Joe McElderry, is now the least straight gay man in pop.

3. It is entirely possible to sustain 3 weeks of rolling news coverage based solely on the ash from an icelandic earthquake.

4. British people are unable to comprehend the idea of one party forming a coalition with another one without it being described in lewd bedroom metaphor, or with reference to gay cowboys. Or something.

5. England can't play football as well as some people think.

6. Journalists like vuvuzelas more than they actually like football.

7. Laura Kuenssberg never sleeps.

8. When they make a film of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, Michael Sheen is the only man in the running to play Tony Hayward.

9. David Laws should have just lived at G-A-Y.

10. The first televised Prime Ministerial debates were very entertaining. But not quite as good as the original Going For Gold.

11. The Labour leadership contest may be the least interesting leadership contest in the history of leadership contests.

12. Christina Aguilera is most definitely NOT Lady Gaga.

13. GMTV might get a bit better. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley will almost definitely get a lot worse.

14. I agree with Nick.

15. Cooking doesn't get tougher than this

Childish giggles

2010-02-01T02:15:00.005Z

Ever get the feeling...

2010-01-09T22:10:00.004Z

...That the 3am girls are being taken for a ride?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2010/01/09/mika-breaks-in-his-christian-115875-21953454/

Happy new year, you stupid fat morons

2010-01-04T17:27:00.004Z

January has always been a month of dubious health claims, but you have to hand it to Mars who are somehow managing to market chocolate milkshakes as something to aid your new year health kick.

It's like a soft option for people who find they've just become too healthy from drinking Yakult.

Or maybe it's an entry level drug. Once people get sucked into the probiotic culture they'll crave something harder.

Word is, they're soon going to start putting vitamin pills in the centre of blocks of lard and marketing it as "Vita-Lard".

'Come Dine With Me' quote of the year...

2009-12-29T18:20:00.003Z

"Julia's really got to put her food where her mouth is tonight."

The Nano Panic Puff Of The Year Award 2009...

2009-12-16T22:22:00.011Z

We're fast approaching the time of year when you could pretty much write a press release about anything and get a whole load of column inches, a Five Live phone-in and maybe a cut-out and keep eco-friendly commemorative wallchart free with the independent.

"Survey for Staples says the average person doesn't own nearly enough stationery."

"Walkers boss says cheese and onion is best." -

"Great... Is he available on an ISDN line on christmas eve please?"

Our real joint winners are more ingenious, but no less grubby. And both found their way to the dear old BBC as well. Merry christmas, auntie.

1. "Parents splashing out on top quality nativity costumes" (BBC News 3/12/09)

Translation: Come to Debenhams for all your family christmas needs. With friendly personal shoppers who understand how hard it is to be a parent. And did we mention our velour dressing gowns?

1. "Parents reluctant to leave student accommodation" (BBC News 15/12/09)

Translation: The University Of West England have some very nice and very fancy new student accommodation that you should all come and marvel at.

Congratulations to both for realising that the key to PR in 2009 is to invent some kind of middle-class lifestyle trend so obsurd that the press will print it no matter how naff and obvious the plug is.

Someone's obviously been starting the day right.

If you're going to bother to make a banner...

2009-11-10T17:34:00.003Z

... and a lollipop, and a waistcoat thing...

... at least use the right "You're."

X-Crement Factor

2009-11-05T18:10:00.010Z

The X Factor finalists are living their dreams. They are meeting Whitneys and Westlifes and developing as artists and they are absolutely one hundred per cent not being exploited.

And it's nice that Nano Panic can log on to the X Factor website from time to time and look at pictures of what our beloved contestants are up to and check that they are absolutely one hundred per cent not being exploited...

Oh.

No, it's NOT just the glasses...

2009-11-05T14:37:00.008Z

Head of the UN Assistance Mission in Afghanistan Kai Eide:

Foppish actor man Bill Nighy:

You do the math. Or something.

Step away from the microphone...

2009-10-25T18:23:00.022Z

Local radio can be a pretty vicious world. New blood vs old blood, management vs talent... and general just general balls-out bitchiness.

Unfortunately this rarely comes across on the radio, where everything is covered in a saccharin gloss of professionalism.

Kudos then to the glorious unprofessionalism of Radio Tay's outgoing newsreader, Greg Russell, who signed off his final bulletin last week with these words:

"And finally... This is the last time you'll
hear me utter those words here on Radio Tay. It's been fun for the past three years and i'll leave with a heavy heart, as part of the changes that have, in my humble opinion, destroyed the station I helped set up twenty nine years ago... With that i'll say goodbye but I hope you persevere and keep on listening... Radio Tay news, it's two minutes past two."

Amazing.

"Your inspector works for a cutlery firm. But he specialises in spoons."

2009-10-21T03:05:00.018+01:00

The prison inspections scandal has prompted Jack Straw to order an inquiry and the Tories to bang on about prison overcrowding.

The real moral of the story is a pretty simple one.

If you want go and see how good something is - a school, or a prison, or a branch of Maplins - it's probably not a very good idea to tell them you're coming.

When I was at school the staff found out when the Ofsted inspectors would be coming two months in advance.

What those inspectors witnessed when they finally arrived was pure theatre. It bore about as much resemblance to reality as a reality-show like The Hills. And that comes with a warning at the start that basically says the whole thing is completely fake.

We'd be told by some of the teachers that if there was a man sitting in the corner of any of our lessons it'd be more than our lives were worth to play up. The teachers themselves would be wearing fancy new clothes instead of dodgy 80s jumpers and they'd have had their hair done. I even heard of classes where questions and answers were rehearsed just in case.

Most bizarre was our PE lesson in inspection week. Instead of rolling around in the mud, being sworn at and the fat kids being made to put the equipment away like every other week, boys and girls all gathered in the sports hall. We sat down for ten minutes while somebody spoke to us about the importance of warming-up before exercise and eating the right food. We then did warm-up exercises whilst one of the usually ferocious PE teachers put on a nice mellow voice and shouted motivational things at us. Even the fat kids.

You can only hope the inspector heard one boy saying "Why does Sir sound like he's on drugs this week?"

Apparently schools only get two days notice now. You can imagine the headmaster pressing some kind of panic button when the call comes through, like when Jeff presses a button on Thunderbirds and the swimming pool moves backwards and forwards and Tracy Island transforms itself.

Surely the only way to inspect anything properly is to catch people off their guard or do it in secret. Anything else is a waste of time and money.

Unless I suppose you make sure there's enough decoys round to cause a bit of confusion...

Remember?

Is it just us...?

2009-10-05T16:48:00.005+01:00

Or is Louis Walsh looking older this series?

"Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits"

2009-09-30T15:21:00.007+01:00

A christmas present for Cameron?

Hoodwinked

2009-09-29T22:40:00.005+01:00

The Express hit the jackpot today.

Hoodies and wheelie-bin-libertarianism rolled into one story.

Unfortunately they could only muster a dodgy stock photo of someone in a hooded top to illustrate this outrageous tale.

Thankfully Nano Panic has gone one better and managed to acquire a shocking picture of a snooping hood at work.

Normal service will be resumed...

2009-09-25T00:30:00.007+01:00

Fear not. The Roflcoper has been found safe and well on a remote island.

We have been attacked by sharks, ravaged by tigers and have had to make shoes out of our bras.

But we're still back before MPs return to Parliament.

Adios

2009-07-10T05:25:00.005+01:00

The Roflcopter is flying off to Spain and this blog is going on holiday for a couple of weeks.

So as to avoid sunburn we shall make sure one of these is worn at all times:

Turn On, Tune In, Give Us Some Money

2009-07-08T02:34:00.019+01:00

So it isn't exactly an easy time to be running a commercial radio station.

And one sign of this is that the two most awful, cringey, shoestring-budgeted TV ad campaigns of the year have been by Magic FM and Heart Radio.

The former appear to think that a Power Point presentation of cheerful photos accompanied by a Fleetwood Mac song is acceptable as a piece of television advertising in 2009.

It's a classic case of the 'brief' ruling over common sense.

"The demographic want cheerful. They want 'feelgood' radio"
"But all the ideas in the 'feelgood' folder are really expensive"

"Okay... Okay... How about errrr.... Some cheerful photographs. That'd
be... cheerful. And cheap."

"But wouldn't that look really naff and sort of like something advertising Thomson Holidays in the 1980's?"

"So we're going with the pictures then"

Heart, at least attempt some moving pictures. Unfortunately their 'feelgood' box is ticked with the least convincing attempt at spontaneity ever seen on screen. The kind of rubbish spontaneity that can only be achieved by doing at least fifty takes. See Jason Donovan's "Er... What am I supposed to be saying?" as he grins into the camera. And Jamie Theakston's camera falling over, which appears to cause the entire workforce of the station to have a collective aneurism.

It's so 'feelgood' that some viewers may choose to watch it behind their hands. Just in case they can't take all the 'feelgoodness.'

Then there's the obligatory shots of faders and microphones, which sort of look like they've been lifted from the cover of a media studies textbook from somewhere in the early 80s.

They might be facing a revenue-crisis like never before, but that's not an excuse for such shoddy adverts when we live in an age where the average twelve year old could knock up a professional-looking video and upload it to Youtube.

It's precisely this kind of thing that makes local radio seem like it belongs to another era. The era when 'feelgood' meant the same as 'feel patronised.'

Line up, line up...

2009-07-06T11:30:00.006+01:00

Leona Lewis's second album is due out in November. The list of people she is supposed to be working with is quite underwhelming, don't you think?

Ryan Tedder
Justin Timberlake
Timbaland
James Fauntleroy
Xenomania
Ne-Yo
Will.i.am
Jay Z
Chris Martin
Aqualung

We can only assume they are all working on odd tracks, otherwise the result might sound something like an indie-disco-cum-hip-hop version of Band Aid. With autotune.

Disappointment is...

2009-07-06T00:11:00.002+01:00

A rail replacement bus.

Next-Level Broadcasting on the way from MTV...

2009-06-14T21:53:00.010+01:00

Unemployed media studies graduates everywhere take note. This is the opportunity of a lifetime:

We can only assume they're hoping to attract the kind of people who don't quite have enough dignity to audition for Big Brother.

Pasties Don't Grow On Trees

2009-06-08T01:56:00.030+01:00

You'd believe anything a sweet little Innocent Smoothie told you, wouldn't you?

When they say they're just fruit and don't have any "weird stuff" in them it's endearing. They probably don't understand science. Because they're only little. And they wear woolly hats in the winter. And all we really need to know is that things don't contain any horrible bits.

And it's a plausible kind of ambiguity. Because they're just fruit. In a bottle. So why would they contain any horrible bits?

The same can't really be said of a pasty. A pasty is all about weird stuff. All mashed together and put in a big golden brown boat. That's why we love them, isn't it?

Why then, when you buy a cornish pasty from Euston Station in London, does it come in a napkin saying "100% pure?"

Pure what?

Spiritually pure, perhaps?

More questionable product claims on a postcard marked "We Want A Lawsuit c/o Nano Panic."

Gordon Brown invited the cast of Eastenders to watch a cabinet meeting take place...

2009-06-05T04:09:00.005+01:00

Stuck Pixels: The Facebook Group Top 10

2009-06-04T16:28:00.028+01:00

The internet is a brightly-lit graveyard for redundant information. Instead of being tossed away or used as fish and chip paper, woefully wrong predictions, misplaced optimism and just plain silliness are all perfectly preserved and ready to be laughed at. By us.

Facebook might be relatively new as websites go, but it doesn't escape... Here's ten of the best groups which are still live and still have members.

1. Please HELP Find Shannon Matthews and Bring Her Home Safe (1 member) Look under the bed. UNDER THE BED.

2. I Can't Wait For 2008 (176 members) Probably set up by an investment banker who didn't know he'd be unemployed and homeless by the end of 2008.

3. Ziggi From Big Brother For Prime Minister (12 members) Who?

4. Street Party When Tony Blair Resigns (3 members) As Middle East Envoy? I think we'll save the bunting...

5. Get Kilroy Out Of The Jungle Now (106 members) Has anyone seen him lately? Maybe he's gone back...

6. I Am Going To Try And Stop Smoking When The Ban Comes In (5 members) Judging by the wall posts, this was not very succesful.

7. Scooch To Win Eurovision (5 members) Surely they deserve another go... A power-ballad this time?

8. Sarah Palin For Vice President (1398 members) hahahahahahahahaha.

9. Roland Rat For Mayor Of London (171 members) This would have actually been mildly less silly than Sarah Palin being Vice President of the United States. In fact, it would have probably been less silly than the person that actually became Mayor of London as well.

10. The Spice Girls Were Awesome... Can't Wait For The Reunion! (11 members) "Were" is the important word here. You can't help but wonder what these people thought when they heard the comeback single...

Red Alert

2009-06-04T15:10:00.002+01:00

Nano Panic pays tribute to Jacqui Smith

2009-06-02T13:53:00.005+01:00

Look for the rainbow in every storm. *Sob*

Mental Health: Lesson One

2009-06-02T11:54:00.030+01:00

Is Susan Boyle just stressed-in-inverted-commas or is she having a breakdown-in-inverted-commas?

Perhaps it's neither. Perhaps it's a MELTDOWN.

A MELTDOWN isn't the same as a breakdown. Breakdown is the sort of thing a doctor might say.

Most doctors don't seem to know very much about MELTDOWNS.

Yet everyone from Katie Price to Lily Allen seems to have had this mysterious affliction. And Britney, of course.

Here are some of the known symptoms of a MELTDOWN.

Going out in public without makeup on
Losing weight

Gaining weight

Smoking

Leaving a nightclub after midnight

Getting annoyed when being harrassed by strangers with cameras

Having a single chart outside the top 10

Getting bored or upset on a boring and upsetting reality TV show
Swearing at policemen. Or traffic wardens, or something.

Some people call the credit crunch an economic MELTDOWN. This is incorrect because the economy never wore makeup and always looked a mess.

The Crunch

2009-05-24T11:13:00.008+01:00

Forget fiscal stimulus programmes, bank bailouts and scrappage schemes.

Nano Panic can exclusively reveal the thing that is going to sort the economy out.

Yeah! Take that, credit crunch!

Topical Tat

2009-05-18T15:22:00.012+01:00

Only £15 from Ebay:

Put a smile on somebody's face in 2-3 working days.

"Hillarious."

Still think Labour have lost touch?

2009-05-14T20:19:00.012+01:00

Uber-cool futuristic chart conquerer La Roux:

Tax-dodging Labour frontbencher Hazel Blears:

Democratisation, Democratisation, Democratisation

2009-05-13T13:07:00.013+01:00

Coming soon to Channel 4... Kirsty and Phil help Members of Parliament to find and furnish their dream homes.

Whether it's a lavish city pad or a moated Lincolnshire estate, they'll help them get the best deal and advise them on how they can avoid inconveniences like capital gains tax.

In the first episode a Labour MP wants an extra home by the sea so she can have a "slower pace of life." But can Kirsty and Phil help her sort out a dry rot problem?

Later in the series, they come up with an ingenious solution for one member whose skinflint daughter wants to go to university near Westminster. "It's a steal!" Kirsty exclaims.

And can they help a Tory MP whose pipes under his tennis court need sorting out, or will it prove too costly?

Meanwhile on BBC 2, a whole week of Flog It! Specials, where Paul Martin helps honourable members to raise cash for the taxpayer by selling off unecessary items.

Will Ming's scatter cushions fetch more at auction than Chris Huhne's trouser press? Tune in and find out...

Max Power: A Swine Flu Update

2009-04-29T18:45:00.000+01:00

Max Clifford is apparently going to represent the Scottish swine flu couple.

Iain and Dawn Askham have drafted in the publicist after contracting the virus on their honeymoon in Mexico.

This is a good thing because it means that their story will be dealt with in the same elegant and tasteful way as the Jade Goody story.

A Swine Of The Times

2009-04-28T17:19:00.000+01:00

According to the Wikipedia "people who work with poultry and swine, especially people with intense exposures" are at risk of infection with swine influenza if the animals carry a strain that's also able to infect humans.

It can mutate into a form that allows it to pass from human to human.

The strain responsible for the swine flu outbreak is believed to have mutated in this way.

It's a jolly good thing that BBC3 having a programme called "My Life As A Pig" turned out to be a joke then.

Oh.

Britain's Got Issues

2009-04-18T00:58:00.000+01:00

There are slow news weeks, and then there are weeks when all you have to do is play a cliched part in a TV talent show to become a messianic saviour who will single handedly restore our morality, end the credit crunch and make hollywood A-listers jealous of someone with bad hair.

So why on earth have the press got so hysterical over Susan Boyle?

Let's be honest, her voice isn't even that great. She couldn't hit the low-notes at all. Most viewers were probably understandably distracted by Amanda Holden's wooden performance by that point. But seriously there are people plugging away in the West End who could sing that song note-perfect who'll never get anything like the attention she's got.

It did of course make a perfectly nice formulaic sequence in the context of a nice formulaic talent show. But after a load of pointless news stories about how many times it'd been watched on Youtube made a load more people watch it on Youtube suddenly it was world news.

Mainly, of course, because it's the easiest news story in the world. That same clip trotted out time after time with whatever gushing pundit can be bothered to talk in cliches for five minutes.

In fact, perhaps even more infuriating than the hollywood stars who've used it as an excuse for a bit of PR was seeing human-cliche-machine Amanda Holden splashed over ITN news.

The ex-Mrs Dennis, who's somehow been deemed worthy of rating 'talent' managed to speak for five minutes without saying ANYTHING.

That's a lie actually, she did describe Susan Boyle as "The People's Winner," complete with air-quotation-marks.

For one awful moment, with those Union Jack cushions behind her, you think she's going to call her the Queen Of Hearts as well.

If you think that's hysterical though, the American treatment of the story is even better.

One American newscaster soberly started said that "during these times" (*credit crunch alert*) people have found Susan Boyle's story "extraordinarily uplifting and emotional."

That's right ex-General Motors workers are huddled round a computer watching a dodgy Youtube clip of an eccentric woman on Britain's Got Talent as we speak.

"Hey man, you know how you lost your job, your house got repossessed and your whole life if sort of screwed... Have you seen this woman? Look! She hasn't even combed her hair!"

Next week: "Susan Boyle a Central Part of Alistair Darling's new Fiscal Stimulous Programme."

The many faces...

2009-04-11T04:32:00.000+01:00

Nano_Panic:

From this:

... to this:

....to this:

...in a few short minutes.